Style Conversational Week 1144: Turn bad into good without any effort!
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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October 8, 2015
As soon as I realized that we hadn’t ever repeated the classic Week 547
contest,
I had no worries at all about doing it again 11 years later in Week 1140
— except that I might get too many great
entries. Well, that did happen — my “shortlist,” culled from some 2,000
entries for a bad use for a brand name, ran nine pages (out of 168 for
the total).
But this week’s results are short-form enough
that I could share 30 of them on the print page and 40 online, and many
are still making me laugh out loud after repeated readings.
It’s pretty obvious what made the funniest entries: ones that used a
different meaning of a word, or a literal rather than figurative one, to
become inappropriate in another context. And, as is true so often, it’s
the moment or two that the reader spends to figure out that new context
that makes the joke so rewarding and memorable.
In almost all the inking entries this week, it was that make-you-think
quality that set them apart from, say, Gain or Hefty as a name for a
diet plan. And why using a joke-named product, like Arrogant Bastard or
Smuttynose beer, isn’t as funny as a plain ol’ regular name.
Definitely requiring a moment of puzzling — I hope not too many moments
— is this week’s winner, that Facebook would be a bad name for the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (This was also the favorite of my
predecessor, The Czar.) It’s the fourth win, but the first Inkin’
Memorial, for Drew Bennett, who won most of his 124 blots of ink in the
2000s and has tailed off in the past few years, wasting his time on such
hobbies as being chancellor of Missouri State University-West Plains,
getting married, etc. I’m glad to see that in recent weeks, Drew has
been properly adjusting his priorities.
Currently No. 16 in the Style Invitational standings, anagram whiz (Jon
Gearhart, Des Moines) is Victim No. 1 in our new Convo feature “Meet the
Parentheses.” See below. ( Courtesy of Jon Gearhart/ )
Our SoCal Loser Bureau grabbed second and third place this week, with
yet another “above the fold” ink for Frank Osen and a welcome return
from Jane Auerbach, who made a big Invite splash in the mid-2000s — and
even flew out to Washington from Los Angeles to meet the Losers at the
Flushies awards — but hasn’t Invited much recently. Now that Jane has
upped her ink total to 97 blots, I’m hoping she’ll go all out to reach
the 100-ink mark and get that commemorative roll of toilet paper at next
year’s awards.
And it was a spectacular week for fourth-placer Kristin Rahman, who got
three inks today (and several more of her entries made the shortlist).
Many of this week’s inking entries went for Ye Olde Sex and Toilette
Humour, and it should surprise none of you that many of those many went
too far. A string of examples — along with some jaw-dropping
tastelessness in other subjects as well, appears at the bottom of this
column. (If you don’t like jaw-dropping tastelessness, you will not look
down there to read it and then complain about the JD tastelessness.)
Sometimes entrants helpfully explain their jokes to me — and it really
is helpful, since it lets me more quickly conclude, “Oh, so I /wasn’t /
missing anything funny.” If people can’t get your joke without a long
explanation, it’s almost always the kiss of death right there. But this
Nerdo Entry of the Week, from inveterate (but not invertebrate)
biologist Mike Creveling, is so goofily erudite that I had to laugh:
“Erysipelas* makes a good name for a painful, blistering, red bacterial
rash, but a bad name for a sports team. [*Greek: from erythros (“red”) +
pella (“skin”)].” It reminded me of the funnier winners in our 2002
contest “Asterisky Business,”
which asked for jokes so esoteric that they had to be explained with an
asterisked footnote.
*Meet the Parentheses! *
*/This Week: /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) *
We’re beginning this regular (or semi- so) Conversational feature — in
the labor-saving form of a little questionnaire — with a Loser who’s
become an Invite fixture, even though he didn’t get his first ink until
2014. That was an honorable mention in an anagram contest, Week 1051
(“If you like your healthcare plan, you can
keep it” anagrams to “A flunky like you? You’re one cheap pathetic
liar”). Very nice, but nothing compared with what followed a few days
later: I got an e-mail from Jon containing both the full text of the
letter I’d sent accompanying his prize --- and a letter in response
/that was entirely an anagram of my letter, using every character. /
Just look at ithere!
*Your official Loser anagram plus any others you know:
* The official one on the Loser Stats list
is Jargon Hater, but you could also
go with The Organ Jar and my personal favorite, Earth Jargon.
*What do people who’ve never heard of the Invite know you as? *
Two score and four years ago my parents perpetrated a great travesty on
mankind--me. I grew up in the small town of Brooklyn, Iowa, in the
shadow of five older siblings. Their incessant teasing and warbling made
me both a smartass and a music lover. I learned to play guitar by ear,
which was hard on my lobes but not as hard as it was on everybody
else’s. After college, I had a big change. A car accident left me
paralyzed from the chest down. Good thing I do my best work from the
neck up or I’d be bitter. I came to realize the inconvenience of walking
had been holding me back from learning patience, understanding and
humility, but then I met the Style Invitational Devotees
and realized how humiliating humility can be.
Now it’s my middle name. (Click here to read
Jon’s account of his car accident)
*What brought you to Loserdom?*
Fellow Loser Kirk Miller knew I enjoyed anagrams and wordplay and
suggested I check out the contest in Week 1051, so you can blame him for
my first entry. The fact that the Empress honored my debut with ink and
invited me to join the Devotees group on Facebook means she deserves the
ultimate blame.
*What are two favorite entries you’d like to share? *
I can’t imagine trying to pick favorites, but as Pat asked nicely, I’ll
go with this haiku from Week 1090, a contest for humorous poems
incorporating one of the obscure words listed, “clatterfart,” a busybody.:
/Expressed through its tale,
The clatterfart’s breath takes flight
On gossiper wings.: /
And more recently, from the contest to make boring books more marketable
with spicy titles (Week 1137):
/CATHOLIC SCHOOL HOOKERS!
/Home Ec Projects Vol. 2: Crochet a Prayer Shawl
*What’s an example of something you do that confirms your Loserosity? *
Every day I try to come up with at least two entries for the current
contest while staring at my Loser magnet collage on the front of my file
cabinet.
Who’d like to be the next Meetee? If you’re one of the Top 20 Losers in
the current standings , e-mail
me and answer the questions Jon did, or add or substitute a couple of
your own. Also, please attach a photo of 500KB or better. The current
queue: 1 person.
*ALE, COLUMBIA: THE NEXT LOSER BRUNCH, OCT. 18*
Especially if I get a ride, I should be able to come to the next Loser
brunch, at noon on Sunday, Oct. 18, at the Victoria Gastro Pub
in Columbia, about halfway
between D.C. and Baltimore. RSVP to Elden Carnahan here
. Elden and his henchmen try
to stage the brunches all around the area; see the plan for the full
year at the RSVP page, which you can also reach through the Our Social
Engorgements link on the Loser website at NRARS.org .
*BAD NAME, BAD TASTE, EVERYTHING YOU’D WANT IN AN UNPRINTABLE ENTRY *
/The following entries from Week 1140 range from a wee bit short of
usable (under Style Invitational standards) to a full ARE YOU @#*&%^ ME.
If you might be offended by tasteless humor, please don’t read the rest
of this page. /
Hacky Sack is a good name for a footbag but a bad name for a vasectomy
clinic. (Jon Gearhart; Jeff Contompasis)
Busch Gardens is a good name for an amusement park but a bad name for a
nudist colony. (Dion Black)
The Limited is a good name for a women’s clothing store but a bad name
for a special ed school (Jane Auerbach)
Tuna Helper is a good name for a food product but a bad name for a
vibrator. (Jeff Shirley)
Krispy Kreme works for a donut shop, but not for a sperm bank. (Robert
Schechter)
Little Sizzlers is a good name for pork sausage but a bad name for child
car seats. (Chris Doyle)
Redbox is a good name for a movie rental company but a bad name for a
tampon. (David Friedman)
Otterbox is a good name for a phone case but a bad name for underpants.
(Janelle Gibb)
Soft & Dri is a good name for a deodorant but a bad name for a dildo.
(Chris Doyle)
Jack in the Box is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a
sperm bank. (Dion Black)
And the horriblest:
Garbage Pail Kids is an okay name for novelty trading cards but an
appalling name for an abortion clinic. (Larry Gray)
.
.