Style Conversational Week 1144: Turn bad into good without any effort! By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // October 8, 2015 As soon as I realized that we hadn’t ever repeated the classic Week 547 contest, I had no worries at all about doing it again 11 years later in Week 1140 — except that I might get too many great entries. Well, that did happen — my “shortlist,” culled from some 2,000 entries for a bad use for a brand name, ran nine pages (out of 168 for the total). But this week’s results are short-form enough that I could share 30 of them on the print page and 40 online, and many are still making me laugh out loud after repeated readings. It’s pretty obvious what made the funniest entries: ones that used a different meaning of a word, or a literal rather than figurative one, to become inappropriate in another context. And, as is true so often, it’s the moment or two that the reader spends to figure out that new context that makes the joke so rewarding and memorable. In almost all the inking entries this week, it was that make-you-think quality that set them apart from, say, Gain or Hefty as a name for a diet plan. And why using a joke-named product, like Arrogant Bastard or Smuttynose beer, isn’t as funny as a plain ol’ regular name. Definitely requiring a moment of puzzling — I hope not too many moments — is this week’s winner, that Facebook would be a bad name for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (This was also the favorite of my predecessor, The Czar.) It’s the fourth win, but the first Inkin’ Memorial, for Drew Bennett, who won most of his 124 blots of ink in the 2000s and has tailed off in the past few years, wasting his time on such hobbies as being chancellor of Missouri State University-West Plains, getting married, etc. I’m glad to see that in recent weeks, Drew has been properly adjusting his priorities. Currently No. 16 in the Style Invitational standings, anagram whiz (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) is Victim No. 1 in our new Convo feature “Meet the Parentheses.” See below. ( Courtesy of Jon Gearhart/ ) Our SoCal Loser Bureau grabbed second and third place this week, with yet another “above the fold” ink for Frank Osen and a welcome return from Jane Auerbach, who made a big Invite splash in the mid-2000s — and even flew out to Washington from Los Angeles to meet the Losers at the Flushies awards — but hasn’t Invited much recently. Now that Jane has upped her ink total to 97 blots, I’m hoping she’ll go all out to reach the 100-ink mark and get that commemorative roll of toilet paper at next year’s awards. And it was a spectacular week for fourth-placer Kristin Rahman, who got three inks today (and several more of her entries made the shortlist). Many of this week’s inking entries went for Ye Olde Sex and Toilette Humour, and it should surprise none of you that many of those many went too far. A string of examples — along with some jaw-dropping tastelessness in other subjects as well, appears at the bottom of this column. (If you don’t like jaw-dropping tastelessness, you will not look down there to read it and then complain about the JD tastelessness.) Sometimes entrants helpfully explain their jokes to me — and it really is helpful, since it lets me more quickly conclude, “Oh, so I /wasn’t / missing anything funny.” If people can’t get your joke without a long explanation, it’s almost always the kiss of death right there. But this Nerdo Entry of the Week, from inveterate (but not invertebrate) biologist Mike Creveling, is so goofily erudite that I had to laugh: “Erysipelas* makes a good name for a painful, blistering, red bacterial rash, but a bad name for a sports team. [*Greek: from erythros (“red”) + pella (“skin”)].” It reminded me of the funnier winners in our 2002 contest “Asterisky Business,” which asked for jokes so esoteric that they had to be explained with an asterisked footnote. *Meet the Parentheses! * */This Week: /(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) * We’re beginning this regular (or semi- so) Conversational feature — in the labor-saving form of a little questionnaire — with a Loser who’s become an Invite fixture, even though he didn’t get his first ink until 2014. That was an honorable mention in an anagram contest, Week 1051 (“If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it” anagrams to “A flunky like you? You’re one cheap pathetic liar”). Very nice, but nothing compared with what followed a few days later: I got an e-mail from Jon containing both the full text of the letter I’d sent accompanying his prize --- and a letter in response /that was entirely an anagram of my letter, using every character. / Just look at ithere! *Your official Loser anagram plus any others you know: * The official one on the Loser Stats list is Jargon Hater, but you could also go with The Organ Jar and my personal favorite, Earth Jargon. *What do people who’ve never heard of the Invite know you as? * Two score and four years ago my parents perpetrated a great travesty on mankind--me. I grew up in the small town of Brooklyn, Iowa, in the shadow of five older siblings. Their incessant teasing and warbling made me both a smartass and a music lover. I learned to play guitar by ear, which was hard on my lobes but not as hard as it was on everybody else’s. After college, I had a big change. A car accident left me paralyzed from the chest down. Good thing I do my best work from the neck up or I’d be bitter. I came to realize the inconvenience of walking had been holding me back from learning patience, understanding and humility, but then I met the Style Invitational Devotees and realized how humiliating humility can be. Now it’s my middle name. (Click here to read Jon’s account of his car accident) *What brought you to Loserdom?* Fellow Loser Kirk Miller knew I enjoyed anagrams and wordplay and suggested I check out the contest in Week 1051, so you can blame him for my first entry. The fact that the Empress honored my debut with ink and invited me to join the Devotees group on Facebook means she deserves the ultimate blame. *What are two favorite entries you’d like to share? * I can’t imagine trying to pick favorites, but as Pat asked nicely, I’ll go with this haiku from Week 1090, a contest for humorous poems incorporating one of the obscure words listed, “clatterfart,” a busybody.: /Expressed through its tale, The clatterfart’s breath takes flight On gossiper wings.: / And more recently, from the contest to make boring books more marketable with spicy titles (Week 1137): /CATHOLIC SCHOOL HOOKERS! /Home Ec Projects Vol. 2: Crochet a Prayer Shawl *What’s an example of something you do that confirms your Loserosity? * Every day I try to come up with at least two entries for the current contest while staring at my Loser magnet collage on the front of my file cabinet. Who’d like to be the next Meetee? If you’re one of the Top 20 Losers in the current standings , e-mail me and answer the questions Jon did, or add or substitute a couple of your own. Also, please attach a photo of 500KB or better. The current queue: 1 person. *ALE, COLUMBIA: THE NEXT LOSER BRUNCH, OCT. 18* Especially if I get a ride, I should be able to come to the next Loser brunch, at noon on Sunday, Oct. 18, at the Victoria Gastro Pub in Columbia, about halfway between D.C. and Baltimore. RSVP to Elden Carnahan here . Elden and his henchmen try to stage the brunches all around the area; see the plan for the full year at the RSVP page, which you can also reach through the Our Social Engorgements link on the Loser website at NRARS.org . *BAD NAME, BAD TASTE, EVERYTHING YOU’D WANT IN AN UNPRINTABLE ENTRY * /The following entries from Week 1140 range from a wee bit short of usable (under Style Invitational standards) to a full ARE YOU @#*&%^ ME. If you might be offended by tasteless humor, please don’t read the rest of this page. / Hacky Sack is a good name for a footbag but a bad name for a vasectomy clinic. (Jon Gearhart; Jeff Contompasis) Busch Gardens is a good name for an amusement park but a bad name for a nudist colony. (Dion Black) The Limited is a good name for a women’s clothing store but a bad name for a special ed school (Jane Auerbach) Tuna Helper is a good name for a food product but a bad name for a vibrator. (Jeff Shirley) Krispy Kreme works for a donut shop, but not for a sperm bank. (Robert Schechter) Little Sizzlers is a good name for pork sausage but a bad name for child car seats. (Chris Doyle) Redbox is a good name for a movie rental company but a bad name for a tampon. (David Friedman) Otterbox is a good name for a phone case but a bad name for underpants. (Janelle Gibb) Soft & Dri is a good name for a deodorant but a bad name for a dildo. (Chris Doyle) Jack in the Box is a good name for a restaurant but a bad name for a sperm bank. (Dion Black) And the horriblest: Garbage Pail Kids is an okay name for novelty trading cards but an appalling name for an abortion clinic. (Larry Gray) . .